Nothing like family.

I love my family, that's a given. And they love me; they love me too much to the point that they can't stand seeing me alone, a woman on a certain age, unaccompanied by a gentleman, that is just too much to handle for these folks.

Especially since my little sister is way more mature than me these days. Her boyfriend is practically part of our warm yet slightly neurotic big family now. But of course, we are friendly, welcoming people, and we're happy for each and every additional unsuspecting poor innocent fellow that we can get.

"Get him to come, and watch me play tennis!" my uncle said, hafly ordered, referring to my sister's boyfriend. I'm sure there were at least fifty-one other things he would rather do with my sister on a Saturday night than to watch my uncle try to maul a tennis ball, but he couldn't say no to that, could he?

Ah, yes, welcome to the family.

So, last week I was at my aunt's house and a few of my uncles were there too. It's just part of our usual gathering, 'cos my aunt has this amazing karaoke machine and I was pretty much migrating there everyday to fully utilize it. The house has never been that loud before. (they should have never given me the microphone.)

Anyway, the conversation quickly turned to me, and as any other families, they started questioning the logic behind my nonexistential boyfriend. Soon enough they decided to take matters into their own hands and do what they know best: playing matchmaker.

Uh-oh.

"You know, Tin, I know someone at work who has a young son who just got back from his studies at America. He doesn't know that many people here, I think it's a good idea to introduce him to you?" uncle #1 began.

As if unwilling to get overshadowed, my other uncle also mentioned about his wife's sister's son who happens to be in Singapore too, and who is, according to him, "really handsome", "smart", and "rich."

"I am absolutely positive that you would think he's handsome too!" he passionately declared. But of course, I was skeptical, he and I don't exactly share the same taste in men, I am pretty certain about that.

He then called his wife to tell her about his genius plan of making up a letter for this "very handsome" guy which they would give to me for him to take when I get back to Singapore. He deliberately explained this as if he has been planning about it for the last five years.

As everyone there cheered and approved, I sat there, thinking, 'whose family is this again?' while mentally visualizing choking my satisfied-looking uncle.

Yes, welcome to the family, this 'super handsome' fellow. I feel sorry for you.

Time.

I concluded that my current life is not worth blogging about, well, at least not for the past five minutes or so. I just took a bath, unless you wanna hear that in great details (like, what brand of soap did I use, or what color was my towel), I'd say you're not missing out on much.

So well, last night I went out for dinner with my uncle's family and the kids. First, it hit me just seeing how bigger and older they've seem to become in the past few years that damn, time flies indeed. But then, I seldom see myself in that way. I mean, I had birthdays and all, and a brief, surfacing realization said that I was getting older, and I knew it at the time. I'm never big on birthdays anyway, kept telling myself it's just a number and it didn't really mean a thing.

But, shockingly I became acutely aware that I am twenty-two now. Today one of my best friend turns twenty-three. I have former high school friends who are already married with kids. Real kids, not like pets or anything. Real breathing, tiny-human-kids. I mean, they're as old as me, no wait, as young. And here they are, being wifes, and hold on for the scariest part: moms.

Anyway, my aunt was telling me all sorts of things about making the right decisions about men, what to look for in a husband, about how marriage is all about compromises and it's not always fun in the sun, that I felt like I've aged for about twenty years.

I'm not supposed to be thinking about it at all yet! Twenty-two is young, I wanna scream. Besides, there are other things I really should be worried about, like, oh wait, getting a job!

So perhaps yeah, I am getting older, and yeah, it's time to pull the responsible-act, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to grow alien in my tummy anytime soon. End of story.

Yeah, my little cousins are growing up to be little hearthrobs. In my absence, one has managed to outgrow me by a head, dropped his voice to a manly bass, and put up an air of coolness and 'I don't give a shit' attitude. I was like, "oh, don't give me that, I've seen you since you were only this size, running around in diapers." Oh, I love my cousins.

Another new thing I learnt while being home, is knowing my little sister's boyfriend. Those two are so cute you can't help but feeling affectionnetally jealous. (yeah, I think I made up that word.) Cruelly enough, this makes me feel so old as well. My little sister and her boyfriend have been going out for a year, seriously. But because she's my dearest sister, I'm willing to set aside my selfishness for a while, and I'm honestly really happy for them. What a way to restore my faith in love if those two can last, nothing beats the 'high school sweethearts' story.

I'm going to see another aunt and cousins now, and hopefully this time they won't make me feel like a Dinosaur.

24/7 Connected

I am loving the new Blackberry. Well, okay, it's not technically mine, in fact, it is not mine, I'm merely a temporary owner in this one. But hey, I treat it like it's my own, so don't I get credit?

It's not like I'm doing much of anything here, and man, isn't it great. For the first time I can really chill, be pampered and not worry about doing laundry or making up the bed. It's almost like a vacation, and not to mention, there is the never-ending food galore..

Anyway, back to the Blackberry thing. I'm now blogging through the computer, so it's alright. My previous entry was crap, cos I wrote that through the phone and well, it's crap, I had to delete it 'cos it was too sore for the eye.

But it's like being autist with this thing. You are almost constantly on the phone all the time, and what wasn't a need before, is now a need. You know what I mean? Like, why bother checking mail 24/7? Businessmen from ten years back are just as efficient as those nowadays, yet the constant demand for being on-the-go and reachable is too much these days. People invented mobile phone so they can be reached in emergency situations, but eventhough everyone's at home, nobody really calls through landline anymore.

And why would people want to be reached 24/7 anyway? So they can be worried about one hundred and one things on weekends?

Even with that said, why can't I get enough of this Blackberry thing, then? Maybe because everyone else is doing the same? That even when you're opposing it, you can't help but tagging along?

Well, I suppose it's alright doing that now, as long as you don't get addicted or anything. I like the phrase 'it's okay wanting things, as long as you don't get pissed off when you don't get them'. You know? I'll be back to Singapore, being the technologically-retard that I am, and it's alright.

So. I'll see you at gchat? Or windows messenger? Or just give me your BB pin? =p

Again.

I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of deja-vu. Haven't I been here before?

I may be just incapable of really being with someone. I have instant crushes and seasonal intensity, but they never last. I get hurt everytime, but I plunge myself into the exact same situation again and again, and now I can't help wondering whether I cared at all. The whole temporary thing? I always say it's unfortunate and unfair, but perhaps there's the twisted attraction. It's disturbing to look at it from that way, isn't it?

Of course, because I just can't handle the day-to-day-relationship.

I had long distance before, and I convinced myself I wouldn't want to be in that situation again, because it's hard enough without the separation as it is. A few months later, I went to the States and I met someone whom I really liked. Then, I had to come back home and could only keep in touch with this person through skype calls, text messages and internet chats. After that, during a night out around three months ago, I got to know someone who reminded me so much of this guy from the States; same taste of movies and jokes, geekiness and just the ability to completely engage me in conversations. We became really good friends and it's the closest I've been to anyone on daily basis without the drama of going back and fourth, once-a-month-trip just to be able to see each other, or anything of that sort. It has been completely normal, comforting and fun. He is here, but only until next month. I mean, realize the irony in all this?

Somehow this happens again. Is it just a purely mean but random coincidence? I'm starting to think that I am the problem.

"Oh, you live here? Boring. You're here temporarily? Okay, I like you." You've got to be nuts.

Anyway, I'm not even complaining about this or dwelling about what has happened. It never actually bothered me before, I don't really think of it that way. I guess, what I'm feeling is that it sucks badly that I have to lose another good friend, that yet another person has to go away. We'll still be friends, I mean, of course we are. But that's as far as it's ever going to get, because there's not even a chance for it to be anything else, you know? Not saying that I want to, but just like, theoratically speaking.

We're bummed out, but there's nothing we can do about it. Maybe I am that strange or maybe it's just a random thing, either way it still sucks. I feel like I'm back to the same spot as I was last year. In the airport everytime I had to say goodbye to the ex, in that room in San Fran when the States guy left. I'm sort of having these similar emotions.

And I don't like it at all.

New things this week

1. I started twittering. Well, I've actually joined Twitter eons ago, but never really updated it since. In fact, my first entry there was in July last year when I wrote, "talking to my wonderful boyfriend, convincing him that Jason Mraz is cooler than ice cubes." Whoa, memorable enough? Anyway, if you do have twitter, please add me up, I wanna follow you! User's name is xteena21. I have to warn you though, that..[see next point.]

2. My life is not exactly exciting at the moment. (Yes, this deserves an entire number in itself. I can't even elaborate. Sad!)

3. I promise, though, that I won't just be writing 'I'm washing my hair', 'I'm having chicken rice for dinner', 'I'm peeing, be back in five' or anything of that sort in Twitter.

4. I made appointment for hair coloring today, and I was informed that the next available slot is on May 4th! What the, son of a biscuit! Who knew hair coloring is such a high demand? It's like, lining up for boob-job or something. At least with that I wouldn't be surprised.

5. One of my dearest friend is leaving Singapore for good, well, it's time for him to head back and make his country proud. How patriotic. That sucks though, because that means losing another good friend. I hate goodbyes.

6. I've watched excessive House lately, the whole first season in two days!

7. I wrote a long post on my thoughts on American Idol, because I love this season, but ended up deleting it 'cos it was too dorky, and nobody would even care about my love for Danny Gokey simply because of his uber cute glasses.

8.

When we met up in town. Hong's got a new haircut and it's funny 'cos we had the whole yellow-black thing going on accidentally enough.

9.

Blowing off some steam at Atticca and Zouk. It was such a fun night, we met other bunch of friends and danced our socks off.

10. I'm in love with the new apartment! I make excuse to go there eventhough there's nothing in it yet! Can't wait to see once it's furnished.

And then there's the great dinner at Dempsey, drinks at Emerald Hill, and buffet lunch at RajahInn. Man, no wonder I gained so much weight. Ah yes, I should put the gaining-weight thing in one of the point, but it's making me embarrassed.

Ah, and there you go, pukes of updates.

Keeping the faith

I was listening to Carrie Underwood's "So Small" the other day and the chorus goes something like this.

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

I couldn't help but noticing the truth in the lyrics. It's not about love, per se, but everything else in general.

I didn't say I have led such a hard life, because I haven't; I've got loads to be very grateful about. At the same time, to say that my life is just filled with butterflies and rainbows isn't exactly accurate either. I learned some things the hard ways too.

When my mom was sick, I couldn't see anything past it. I thought we've reached rock bottom. It was unthinkable, too surreal, something we never thought possible.

But, life goes on and even though it has been hard, we've pulled through. And what? It's easy from then on? Not at all. Thinking we've been through the worst doesn't mean it's true, because things evolve, circumstances change. But I'd like to think that perhaps I've gotten a bit stronger and wiser since, maybe I've learned not to sweat the small stuffs, because I know now what's important and what's not.

Life may not get easier, but there is such thing as perspectives.

Some things are just too important. Like, education and career. I do take it seriously, and I intend to keep trying to get a job although it's really hard at the moment. Family is another thing; I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have such strong bond and relationships with my dad and sisters. I do butthead with my sister a lot, and she may irritate me with her protectiveness at times, but you know what, those are insignificant, because she's the only one who has supported, motivated, and got my back all these years.

And here's another revolution. Some other things are just not worth fussing about. Like, people who are never there for you, who obviously don't care anymore. I was okay doing the 'giving' role everytime, I was okay being the only person who takes initiative, who still shows care and respect. But it's a waste of time and energy when they never make any efforts. Why bother? It's not worth it, there are other things to worry about, believe me. Sometimes you just know when to let go.

I mean, no need to get hard feelings. Afterall, things change, just look at it that way.

Anyway, when you think about it, people are a lot stronger than they give themselves credit for. We will never know our capabilities 'til we are stretched to our limits. Even then, what's our 'limit'? In the end, things are never as hard as they seem.

I know I'm struggling right now, and it's the only thing I'm focusing on. I do have faith though, that things will work out eventually. And when they do, I'm sure they wouldn't look so scary anymore. The trick is just to get through it. Then you can go ahead and face the next challenge. Ha!

If a country song could trigger this much thoughts, I wonder what happens if I listen to Oprah everyday.

The case of missing breakfast

Last week a couple friends and I went out to blow off some steam by dancing the night away. It was a typical fun ladies night, but the night ended in a pretty eventful note.

Around 4 am, the three of us walked back to the house since it was located conveniently within walking distance from the club. We were sober as nuns, carrying our shoes while breathing in the cool night air.

We decided to order two breakfast sets from McD, so my friend A made the call. We got to the house, changed into comfortable baggy shirts and another friend B and I fell straight to sleep, rather unintentionally before the food even arrived. A still took a shower, and in between my sleep, I think I heard A's phone ring and her saying, "McD's here!" But, I drifted back to sleep after blissfully thinking deliberately to just savour the big breakfast in the morning. Too much effort to move my eyelids.

10am, I woke up, turned to A and asked, "Hey, did you eat your food last night?"

She murmured, "I don't know..."

"What do you mean you don't know?" I chuckled, thinking that she must still be asleep. B and I scrambled out of bed and looked outside in the dining table for our beloved McD. We found nothing. We got back to the room, searched everywhere, but still saw no sign of food.

At this point, B even looked at the trash, just in case, A ate both meals last night. The chances were pretty slim, but even slimmer that the McD food could evaporate into thin air.

I desperately pictured my non-existent hash brown and scrambled eggs. Damn, I was starving.

A was still in bed when we asked her again, "where did you put the food, babe?"

She looked at us, confused, "I don't know."

"The McD food that came last night. Where did you put it?" I repeated, emphasizing on the every word.

"I don't remember.."

This explanation didn't do it for me. What's weird is that there was one regular Milo by the bedside table, so the delivery guy really did come. But the big elephant in the room, where's Waldo? Where's the food?!

We kept persisting A to try to remember what happened last night, but she offered no answer, she didn't even seem disturbed by the fact that a huge chunk of her memory seemed to go missing, while B and I were totally freaked out.

The thing is, A wasn't drunk, she still even showered when we got home, it simply didn't make any sense. She admitted not remembering taking the food, eating the food, or putting the food anywhere.

But the Milo just sat there, mocking us. The half empty Milo, I might add.

In the end, we couldn't find the food anywhere, and we reluctantly closed the case, what else were we supposed to do? But, I'm still beyond curious. As anyone would be. Heck. Things don't just go missing, especially McD food, unless it's been eaten, duh. But there was no way someone could eat TWO breakfast meals at 5am without remembering any of it.

Right? Right?

Dealing with it

Okay, it's time to get my juices flowing again. Ew, not that kind of juice. Ew, ew, ew. Way to go to start a post, girl. Yeah, I know it has been a long time, oh, that's an understatement. It's probably the longest I've been without writing. But see, being creative is a tad difficult thing to do when you're feeling stressed out. And if there's one word to summarize my state of mind for the past month or so, it's completely stressed out. Yeah. Wait, that's three words. Sorry.

It's no surprise that things aren't going exactly as well as I had hoped for.

I feel like I have so many things to share. Normally writing about it would make me feel better, but lately I feared I would just reinforce, and even agreeing to all the things that I'm worried about by reading it in words. It would just get me worried even more, and I want to stall it for as long as I could. Hence, why I've been keeping quiet. I thought I could. Stall it, I mean.

But, I realize that it really doesn't matter. The problem will still be there whether you worry about it or not. Maybe it's better to worry about it, at least you feel it, and in effect, you do something about it. I didn't want to write that I am having a difficult time, because it would mean admitting it. Maybe I was embarrassed. Or maybe I just didn't wanna deal.

This ends now.

I saw Chris Martin. Yes, you heard right.

I've never been particularly star-strucked before.

I lived in Indonesia for around 17 years of my life, for goodness sake. The only famous faces I've encountered in real life were probably just some dangdut singers or local soap opera's actors. Needless to say, it wasn't very exciting.

“That's Bertrand? Oh.” was my only reaction upon seeing this particular local teenage heartrob. So-called heartrob. I've yet to see the appeal of this metrosexual, ex F-4 wannabe. But that's just me. Apparently girls go crazy after him.

During my almost 4-years stay in Singapore, well, I saw VJ Denise, Utt, and Colby, and probably some other recognizable persons, but still, it was nothing to flip about, see.

“Did you see anyone famous in US?” was another thing some friends asked me after I got back. I mean, it's just natural. I went to Hollywood! Disneyland on Christmas Day! Vegas on New Year's Eve! If it wasn't the perfect time for some celebrities-sighting, I don't know when is.

I was hoping, maybe a little bit of Seacrest? Just, whoever so I could boast.

Granted, on New Year's eve, celebrities were coming out to host countdown parties everywhere. In PURE, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wenz were scheduled to come. [I was standing in front of the red carpet there! I could have been just like, five minutes away from their grand entrance.] There was the Kardashian sisters too somewhere in another club. Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and man, I wouldn't even mind seeing Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, even if I risk appearing very bimbotic.

But nope. Nada.

And it's okay. I've come to terms with that. I've eventually accepted that I'm simply not cool enough to spot a famous face. I've long given up that dream.

So last Sunday as I was walking towards the sunset through the beach, I wasn't at all prepared to......................

See Chris Martin!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes!! Chris Martin of Coldplay! Yes!! Chris Martin, the husband of Gwyneth Paltrow! Yes!! THAT super-famous-Grammy-award-winner-super-rich-Chris Martin!!!

Let me insert his picture here, for you who doesn't know who Chris Martin is! Dammit, people, where have you been living? A cave?! Hint for my friend Andrew who was like, "Chris who?"

I stood there, agape, unable to believe my eyes. But there he was, in flesh. Chris Martin was in fucking Sentosa.

I've gained back my faith, people! It's possible that one day I would get to marry John Cusack! It's possible that I would be an Oscar-winning-actress! Everything is possible!

I SAW CHRIS MARTIN! VIVA LA VIDA!

This is my first real celebrity-sighting, so forgive me for being so dorky about it.

Behavior

Here's one interesting thing that I discovered recently.

A girl tends to behave unlike herself, in the company of someone she fancies. One-hundred-and-eighty-degrees-difference, in fact. She would eat a lot less, she would laugh a lot softer, she would not talk as much. A girl has to be in her best behavior, especially on the first date, right? No reason to scare the guy away too fast. Give him at least three or four dates, and then, he would find out that she eats like she hasn't eaten for a week, that she laughs like a donkey, and that she can't shut up to save her life. Hopefully by this point, the guy has liked the girl enough to tolerate and even appreciate her sudden change of antics with affection.

At least this is what I found out from my girlfriends.

[They don't laugh like donkeys, and all those things. I'm just putting it into the extreme.]

“You won't believe how she's like in front of this guy,” a male friend told me one time. Apparently he tagged along in one of her date, and he found her dating behavior to be quite amusing. “She didn't even touch her food,” he said, in between laughter.

It's really cute. And the guy must be damn special for her not to eat, that's all I gotta say.

But unfortunately, for some reason it works differently with me. A sign when I really like someone, is when I'm being truly myself in his company. I like someone when I eat like I can eat a whole cow alive, when I laugh like a donkey, and when I can't shut up.

On my first date with this guy one time, the first thing I said after we finished our dinner was, 'I'm still hungry, what's for round two?' He looked at me as if I was insane.

I have different disposition when it comes to dating than my girlfriends. When I do all these things, it goes to show that I'm making effort to keep things light and fun. And I keep yammering on and on, because I find him interesting. I'd like to see his reaction and opinions on the things I said because in my twisted mind, I'd like to get to know him better.

Weird logic? I don't know. I think they're great enough as they are, and they shouldn't even attempt to behave any differently, because if they're really trying to impress, then they should just be themselves.

Which guy would like a girl who doesn't eat anyway, right? Just a penny of my thought.

Bad Weather

Images courtesy of Anderson.

I loved these. Thought I'd share one or two here.

Isn't that just so intense?

Singapore has officially entered the rainy season, and it rains almost everyday nowadays. Sometimes it's even more like a storm than a rain. But the picture, man!

The cloud looked like it's gonna eat the whole city.

Brace yourself. It's gonna be a wet, windy and bumpy month.

Bits of Vegas

Vegas is somethin' else. It's a city full of energy, of excitement, of contagious wildness. It was intoxicating just being there, in the midst of crowds on the evening of December 31st.

We weren't ready to leave San Diego yet at that point, so we were pretty sullen in the bus to Vegas. It wasn't a short ride, either, and the bus was full that we had to sit separately. I had a black kid sitting beside me at the first half of the drive, and the next half to this gigantic, talkative elder man who wouldn't shut up. He just wouldn't. I was still slightly hungover (excessive drinking!), so I spent almost the whole ride sleeping. We stopped at this small town called Barstow, which consists of nothing more than open land and short-buildings and a transit centre where we grabbed a bite. I was this close to fainting, and seeing the faces of the girls, I was sure they weren't far behind me either. By the time we reached Vegas, it must have been at least 8 pm at night. I was disoriented, tired, and feeling sick to my stomach, literally.

The first thing that greeted us when we alighted at this sin city wasn't the dirty smell of cigar, or the sexy sight of roullete tables, but a full-packed bus station. Black people were everywhere, their asses at the big risk of dropping down due to their low-waist pants they were wearing. What is it with this desire to show off piece of cheap underwears? Oh, I can make a whole new entry on this subject itself, I need to stop myself now.

Our hotel was out in the boulder area, it was a typical casino-hotel. The casino was always full with middle-aged people playing slots machines. Bonnie called it a 'retirement hotel'. We were the hottest people there, yeah, because we were the only ones under sixty!

We spent the next four days exploring the Strip. With the new year looming in, Vegas was at its most crowded state.

The three of us didn't love Vegas as much as we thought we would. Looking at the pictures now though, I thought, "What didn't you like it?" and I came up empty. I didn't know why we weren't loving it as much as we were San Diego or San Francisco!

It could be the fact that we couldn't watch any shows because everything was sold out, and it could be because we weren't swimming with money that we couldn't simpy spend a hundred bucks to get inside a club for new year's eve countdown. It could be because our hotel was far away from the Strip that it took us 2 bus rides and at least forty five minutes to go back and forth between the two. It could be because walking around in the Strip with heels was tiring and waiting for cab for two hours at 3 am on a cold, chilly night wasn't much fun either.

But I guess that's just the circumstances. The city itself is crazy beautiful and only there I have seen a beer bottle so big!!!

The street in Vegas, bursting of lights and energy.

A glimpse of Paris.

...and New York too.

More pictures here.

We certainly had eventful time there, that's for sure. Yeah, my two-hundred-dollars phone bills was definitely eventful. Dammit.

Seeing Vegas pictures leaves me feeling the most nostalgic! I wish we could have given the city more credit, I hope we can go back there one day and re-experience it again.

"transition"

Just a quick update! Yes, yes, I haven't been yammering here at all! Not because I'm busy or anything, in fact, it's the complete opposite! I'm so jobless it's not even funny anymore.

When I thought I would have had to start working last week, the night before I was with my friend and I was whining continuously, hoping I could still have a week or two of freedom before adulthood started. Guess what? I got what I wanted, and now I would give anything to be working. Be careful what you wish for, that's all I've gotta say.

Well, nah, in case you're curious, I wasn't fired on my first day! There has simply been a problem regarding my work permit, suffice to say I decided that the job wasn't worth it. So I'm back to square one, unemployed and broke. And it's not a good position to be in, especially when everyday you keep spending and spending, sometimes without even knowing what it is you're spending your money on. It's still a mystery to me.

I'm so stressed out and I need to know there will be light at the end of the tunnel! I need to know that I won't have my sexy arse kicked out from Singapore!

I'm just gonna be brainless today, but I'm gonna write something significant for a change later, I promise.

apology

I have an awful feeling that I haven't been a pretty good friend lately. What's worse is that, I think I've been that way to everyone. And for that, I'm really sorry.

I hear people say 'it's not you, it's me' all the time, and I used to mock the clicheness of it all, and it's not even an excuse, but that's how it is with me lately.

I feel like, I'm in this shit hole and I don't even wanna get out, you know? I guess, I'm just struggling with my own things, and while I'm at it, I can't focus on doing something else, something fun with my friends. And each time I'm 'neglecting' them, the worse I feel about myself, but at the same time, I'm unethusiastic about the idea of trying to be all cheerful and excited when my mind is occupied with other things. Trust me, I wish I could just leave all that at home. I'd love to welcome any distraction.

I wonder if this is how all depressed people started out. I mean, they can't just be depressed overnight, can they? It comes in stages, I assume. First, they're constantly worried and feeling meh about everything, and then they just don't go out anymore and they have no more friends, and they end up being miserable and grumpy and lonely and nobody would stand even being in near proximity with them.

Oh, god. Am I on the road to depression?

When people are going crazy, do they know that they are going crazy?

Okay, stop. This isn't helping at all. It's not even as if I have enough life-and-death situation to be depressed about. I'm not severely heartbroken, I'm not chased around by loansharks, or gangsters. In fact, I just graduated!

Everyone who hear this always say, "Congratulations! You must be excited!" But the truth is, I'm still waiting for the moment for the excitement to sink in. Any minute now, I hope. Yeah, that was what I thought a week ago.

It's just funny how sometimes your entire life could be filled with just one problem. Do you remember as a teen, all you needed to worry about was to get good grades at school? At the time, it seemed enormous, difficult. Now? It was nothing. Does it mean that it was silly to get stressed over it? Well, no. I keep telling myself that this isn't a big deal, that later ahead I would look back and laugh about it, but it doesn't make me feel much better now, to be honest.

Well, I'm rambling again, as always. The whole point of it all is, just to admit that I've been a terrible, shitty friend lately and I'm disliking it myself. I need to, figure things out first. But even with that said, I should have handled it better, I shouldn't be this way, no doubt about it. So friends, I'm really sorry.

And to one particular friend whom I've been verbally abused all the time since I've been this tense, moody and irritable bitch. I'm sorry for being extremely difficult to hang out with, to not reciprocate when nice things are said, and basically, for not appreciating you enough for being patient. And a good friend.

I'm gonna try to make it better. And one more thing, don't let me be depressed. Please.