Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.
It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.
GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

- Author Unknown

Herelies the problem..

Today I finished up a long-overdue proposal (mostly because I’ve been kinda slacking, but pstt, this is just between you and me), and as I drew a relieved sigh, I glanced at the bottom of the page and almost exclaimed unattractively. Holy cow! 17 pages! Seventeen frikkin pages! My words in all their glory..all 17 pages worth of ‘em, in fact.

And yet, I have abandoned this space for a lot longer than I should. And I thought writing leisurely has always been therapeutical! No wonder I’m so stressed with work lately. I just don’t channel the stress the right way.

(Well, I’ve been spending a lot of time with dearie and that should be a stress-free method too, right? Although, every time we do, we stay out late, which results in me not getting enough sleep and probably being even more tired and stressed out the following morning. Oh shit.)

Well anyway. It wasn’t until earlier when my friend said that she hasn’t been visiting my blog recently and I was like, “Err. You’re probably not missing out much since I hardly update it.”

But then as soon as I said it, I felt really, really sad.

No kidding! This really did make me feel sad. There was a point of time I could write my blog every day with anything and everything, and now I can’t even muster a single post because:

I don’t know what to write

I don’t have the time to write

I’m always feeling uninspired

And somehow these three reasons don’t make me feel better at all.

As if it’s not bad enough that I’m losing the motivation to write, I seem to lose my otherwise brilliant, witty writing personality as well. Without it, what else do I have?

I better tell my boyfriend right away. He should know what he’s getting himself into. I’m no longer the bright and creative soul he once knew and loved.

It’s sad that I could churn up 17 pages worth of words (albeit, probably not very interesting), but I couldn’t even do a single post.

Ladies and gentlemen, what has this world become?

Hm. See? Even now I’m struggling to find something interesting to say. Do I talk about the recent awesome weekend I had with dearie when we went to watch Lion King the Musical and Harry Potter on IMAX? About how emotional I was during the scene when Harry realized he had to die, until I could feel tears forming in my eyes, and then feel slightly embarrassed about it, because. Oh well, you just don’t cry from seeing Harry Potter. You just don’t. I’m already a sissy as it is.

Ah yes. I guess I could talk about that. Or maybe I could touch a bit about how last week during work I had to sing a song in front of everyone..alone? Imagine the horror. And about how after that ‘incident’, my colleague made a poster that read “Christina, we believe! The next Singapore Idol!” and pasted it on the wall. He’s forgetting that I’m not even a Singaporean but of course no one really gave a rat’s ass about it.

What about the weekend before that when we went to Universal Studio and had a great evening reminiscing being a kid, taking rollercoasters and screaming on the top of our lungs like there was no tomorrow? (oh wait. That was just me. See, I told ya I’m a sissy.)

Or maaaaybe. I could write about my Italy adventure?

THERE! It’s not like I have nothing to write. Now I recognize the core of the problem.

I’m just a lazy ass.

Hurray!

Now I can go back to thinking that deep down I’m still very much witty, adorable, smart and all those traits are just waiting to burst out in the open again real, real soon! Yay! Now my boyfriend will love me again!

Grey

You pull beauty towards you--like new moths to a flame
And as I'm drawn before you, I believe I am the same
I'm lovely, melancholic art, a picture in your frame
I've never been so beautiful as when you say my name.

You see the world in fractured light, the colours you downplay
The darkened blacks, the lightened whites, the words you never say
I'll make your lips move through the night, but you will never pray
Let's go somewhere with colour--love, you must escape the grey.

You still command the sunrise--because you paint the stars
The world, it strings your canvas and your heartbreaks are your scars
Wake up--paint the truth for once, it isn't very far
You say that you're not worth the fight, but I know who you are.

You're everything I'll ever breathe, the oceans and the sea
Can't run their waters low enough to find a love this deep
And I'll wade through the darkest depths if it will make you see
You're beautiful, you're worth this, love, you're all there is for me.

- Shawna Howson

Just beautiful. <3

The best thing.

One of the best things in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you're completely amazing.

Change

“Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.“

I’m scared of change. I’d like everything to remain the same, because only then would I feel totally in control. I don’t like guessing and anticipating what’s gonna happen next, especially when I’m happy with what I have right now.

But that’s not exactly possible, is it? Without change, how can we grow for growth is the only evidence that we’re still living? We have to change, whether we want to or not.

And the key is to stop thinking that change is a bad thing. I read this quote somewhere:

“There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place.”

I know it’s easier said than done, and trust me, I’m still learning too. I’m still freaking out over changes too. Sometimes I would find myself getting all paranoid or coming up with fake scenarios in my head although they have no base at all.

But if you’re in a bad situation, don’t worry it’ll change. If you’re in a good situation, don’t worry it’ll change too.

I guess that’s the lesson for today, my dear students.

higher self, lower self, mask

Regarding an ex-girlfriend.
- credit to David Sutcliffe

The most common story I tell myself is that she’s to blame. If she weren’t so fucked up, so afraid of commitment, so entwined with her mother, so out of touch with her anger, so frigid, so narcissistic, and so unable to get past her own shit—we could work it out. The problem with women is women. They’re crazy. They can’t be trusted. And because they can never really see me, they can never love me. This is my MASK.

I want to punish her for not meeting my expectation of how I want to be loved. I want her to suffer; to feel regret about not doing enough to keep me. I relish the “How to Keep a Man” articles on Yahoo that confirm she did everything wrong. I take pleasure in the fact that I know (or think I know) she’s alone, confused and suffering. It’s what she deserves. It’s what she had coming to her. And I will not forgive her. I will not let it go. This is my LOWER SELF.

Underneath there is deep disappointment and pain, a longing to love and be loved and an understanding that she is human; that she is doing her best; that her intention is true; that she wants the same thing I want and is afraid the same way I am. I know that she is good. This is my HIGHER SELF.

Creativity needs time.

Back!

I'm back from Italy!

Got truckloads of photos and even more countless amazing memories =) Will blog about it soonish... when I have the time, promise!

To the Negative, Moody and Unfriendly.

I wonder why some people are just..grumpy. But I'm tellin you, it ain't attractive.

We all have our good and bad days. And I'm not referring to us being moody and grumpy once in a while when everything seems to go wrong. Because that happens, I know. I'm saying it in a more general level. People whose default mood is just...grumpy. Unhappy, moody, negative people who think it's up to them to behave that way, but they don't realize that it affects people around them as well.

It's one thing being moody once in a while. It's quite another to be, just, literally depressing, all the freaking time. I'm your friend, so I would do my best to listen to you, and offer advice, and try to make you feel better. But what good does it do when nothing I say sticks? Because you go back to being depressed and complaining about life again and again and again.

Then there's people who think that just because they are moody, others have to be too. You don't feel like talking to people, you want to be alone, then so be it. Treating others rudely is completely uncalled for. You think I enjoy talking to you when you're getting all moody and annoying too? Well, news flash, I don't, okay? If it's up to me, I would rather go to..I don't know, Timbuktu or something, rathen than go through this verbal abuse just because you happen to be in a shitty mood. But we all have to deal with it. Sometimes we have no choice but to communicate, even when we don't feel like it.

Tell us nicely (or fine, you don't even have to smile, just say it in decent manner) that you are not feeling good today, so ask us to leave you alone. And hey, I will be away from your hair in a second. That bitchy attitude of yours doesn't help at all. If any, you just successfully established yourself as a serious douche.

And now there's the unfriendly kind. I wouldn't say that I'm the friendliest person, but I think I'm okay. I try to make people feel welcomed, because I know how awkward it is being the newbie. At work, for example. I have gone through different internships and jobs to know how weird it can be sometimes not knowing everyone around. I have been the kid who stays back during lunch time because I haven't known anyone yet. So I try to be nicer to new people when it's their turn to be the newbie.

During a work training, a Singaporean had this to say when this topic was brought up. "Why us? Why must we be the one who approach the newbie? The newbie has to approach us first!"

Well, to this person, I just would like to present him the Douchebag of The Day award because that's what he is, and to all of you too if you think that way. I don't know if you're just a douche by default, or the society has turned you into a bitter person, but seriously, you need help. And I hope one day when the tables are turned, you will get a taste of your medicine. I hope noone, and I mean, noone would talk to you and you would be a lonely, miserable person, sitting alone in your corner without anyone to talk to.

I don't think it's a matter of being friendly or not, rather than a practice of common decency. If everyone keeps waiting around to be approached first, noone would end up talking to anyone. If that's what you want, then fine. Be miserable on your own.

Thing is, sometimes you don't have to be the brightest person around, you don't even have to be the friendliest. All you need is just to be a decent, okay person. Someone who gets down once in a while, but bounces back up because that's what we do. Someone who thinks before they talk because words can be hurtful. Someone who is..okay, by nature. Not someone bitter, not someone who disregard other people's feelings.

Smiling is good, you know? You probably seldom do it, but try it! It can loosen up those rigid cells in your face (or brain) and make everything seems better. And who knows, god forbid, you may even actually be, gasp! Happy.

Be nice, people. Life is way too short to be grumpy.

Real.

This is going to be a very mushy post, so please avert your eyes or skip this entirely if you have just taken your lunch. I'm not responsible for any of your digestive problems.

Okay, ready? Well, don't tell me you haven't been warned.

Well, where to begin. I think I may end up blushing and grinning like a fool to myself. Thank goodness noone is paying attention right now.

I've gone through relationships knowing, in one way or the other, that it wasn't going to last. I know it sounds sad or abnormal, but see, that's the thing. I've never been very normal when it comes to relationships.

And for the most part, I'm okay with being on my own, as clichey as it sounds. I could easily find someone to have fun with, and that'd be it. No drama, no fights, no real attachment. But at the end of the day, it means having noone who really cares about you for you too. Not about how fun you are at parties, about how great you look on dates.

You know they liked you for the most superficial reasons. That within a second, they could turn their attention to someone who were more fun, who dressed better, who could offer them more things in return. And as twisted as it was, I used to like that. It was almost..like a challenge. And I didn't have to feel bad moving on and turning my attention to someone else because I knew they'd be okay with it too. That's the whole arrangement.

I hope one of you would relate and be like, "yeah, I used to be like that at one point too, I understand what she means." Because otherwise, I would feel..even more..weird. Alone. Abnormal.

I guess the turning point kinda happened a few months ago. I remembered going on a date with someone but even when we made plans to meet that night, my heart wasn't in it. He was nice and kind and he treated me well, but suddenly I thought to myself, "what are you doing?" Throughout the night, I kept asking myself that and even though we have gone out on a few dates, somehow I knew that it was the last time that I was gonna see him.

Of course to this day he never really knew what happened and why I suddenly stopped replying to his messages. Guess something snapped that night and I realized, I was thinking about someone else and unless it was him who looked at me across the table, it would never go anywhere with anyone else.

That's when I stopped. I stopped all the playing around and started to be okay, to be really okay, being by myself. To stay at home on weekends, to work hard in my job, to focus my energy on being healthier, better version of me.

So, I saw and hung out with my friends more, finding happiness in the simplest things. Took comfort in family and friendship and for a good part, I was really happy and undisturbed with the fact that yeah, I was probably the only single person left among my good friends.

I'm really glad I've taken my time. To hopefully grow up and be the best that I can be. Because who knew, a few months down the road, that someone would not just be sitting across the table; he's next to me and I am the happiest I've ever been.

And for the first time, I don't even have a tinge of hesitation when I said this. Not once throughout the time I started liking you, that I felt that this isn't going to last.

Mickey Mouse Situation

My office had an uninvited visitor yesterday. It started with my colleague exclaiming, "Christina! There's a rat here somewhere!" first thing in the morning when my brain was still grogilly switching between "shit, it's Monday again" and "shit, it's Monday again". It means, no, I wasn't in any way prepared to face a mouse-rat-situation.

Let's just say that the whole day I was on edge. We couldn't find it behind the boxes, which means, it could be anywhere, including underneath my desk! It didn't help that my colleagues sensed my unrealistic (but very real) fear and they started making jerk sudden movement everytime they passed my desk for the sole purpose of scaring me off.

At one point, one of them actually said that the rat might be hiding under my chair and bite my toes! But I like my toes! They help to keep me..balanced. And proportional. And pretty?

Sometime in the afternoon, I actually saw the mouse run from one end to the next but it was gone before none of us could react. I doubt my scream helped anyone to catch the mouse but what was I supposed to do, right? One of us actually brought in a trap with some food inside and placed it at the corner.

But until the end of the day, the rat was nowhere to be seen, and I actually skipped lunch. Hm, not that one had anything to do with the other. I don't think so? Probably doesn't help that Greg started saying that rats loved food and that I should be extra careful placing my instant noodles!

"Why are you so...." my colleague asked me with amused expression after he successfully managed to scare me off (again). (Really? That is soooo elementary school.)

"Jumpy?" I offered to finish his sentence.

Ha. I've been asking myself the very same question for years. I don't know why I'm so jumpy aside from the fact that I am. How else am I gonna explain it?

Why am I so scared of animals? Why am I scared of horror movies? Why am I scared of ghosts? Well, why don't you get me checked and maybe we can find out the answer.

This morning, when I arrived in the office, I was greeted by the announcement that the rat has been apprehended. It was safely tucked away in the trap. "Come see it!" my colleague said.

"Er..how about..no!"

"Why! I should give the rat to you..Make you face your fears," he said, with unnecessary excitement that was, to me, very uncalled for.

They bring me to you.

You looked like the sun

I was the only one

who could stare until you were done shining on me

and as we drank our wine and let the world fade away

the sunrise tried to end it while we tried to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night

and only the heartaches have given me sight,

they bring me to you,

they bring me to you.

Moon pours through the ceiling tonight

embraces us tight

shows me we're right for each other

and as we lie here and let the world fade away

the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night

and only the heartaches have given me sight,

they bring me to you.

It's all about the first night and last,

some people say

well I love you so much more tonight,

more than yesterday.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night

and only the heartaches have given me sight,

they bring me to you.

conflicting.

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?

- From 'Skins'

“I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was twelve. It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you. And I was so scared of the way I felt, you know, loving a girl, that I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel normal. I screwed guys, to make it go away, but it didn’t work. When we got together it scared the shit out of me because, you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away and made you think things were your fault but, really I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl Sophia to kind of spite you for having that hold on me. And I’m a total fucking coward because, I got these… these tickets to Goa for us three months ago. But I, I couldn’t stand… I didn’t want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it’s horrible. It’s so horrible because, really, I’d die for you. I love you. I love you so much it is killing me.”